Stop Giving Ultimatums and Do This Instead

What do we mean by giving ultimatums? They might sound like this:

“If you don’t do your homework right now, I’m going to….”

• Throw all your toys away
• Cancel your birthday party
• Stop you seeing your friends

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. Those moments of pure frustration when you’ve run out ideas to get your child to do something. Out of desperation, you issue an ultimatum. But what do you do when that doesn’t work?

Let’s look at the problem with giving ultimatums and what you can do instead.

Why are you giving ultimatums?

Ultimatums are a big final demand: “Do this, or else!” We use them when we run out of other ideas.

They often follow this pattern:

1. You ask your child nicely to do something: “Please can you tidy up your bedroom.”
2. You repeat the instruction: “I’m still waiting for you to get that bedroom tidy.”
3. Then you offer a reward if they do it: “If you tidy up your bedroom, you can have extra screen time.”
4. Now you shout: “Get your bedroom tidy, RIGHT NOW!”
5. Finally, you issue an ultimatum: “If you don’t tidy that bedroom, I’m cancelling football club for good!”