Why Ultimatums Won’t Work With Teenagers

What do we mean by giving ultimatums? They sound like this:

“If you don’t do your homework right now, I’m going to….”

• Take away all your pocket money for good
• Cancel your birthday party
• Stop you seeing your friends again

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. Those moments of pure frustration when you’ve run out ideas to get your teen to do something. Out of desperation, you issue an ultimatum. But what do you do when that doesn’t work?

Let’s look at the problem with giving ultimatums and what you can do instead.

Why are you giving ultimatums?

Ultimatums are a big final demand: “Do this, or else!” We use them when we run out of other ideas.

They often follow this pattern:

1. You ask your child nicely to do something: “Please can you tidy up your bedroom?”
2. You repeat the instruction: “I’m still waiting for you to get that bedroom tidy.”
3. Then you offer a reward if they do it: “If you tidy up your bedroom, you can get that game you want.”
4. Now you shout: “Get your bedroom tidy, RIGHT NOW!”
5. Finally, you issue an ultimatum: “If you don’t tidy that bedroom right now, you’re not going out at the weekend ever again!”

We tend to work up to giving ultimatums and use them when we feel angry and out of control. It’s easy to say things we don’t really mean because we feel frustrated.